As a general rule, we have the ability to recover from the worst atrocities, but human beings are social by nature and feeling alone is usually what we find most difficult. I hit rock bottom after several failed relationships, when I realized that if nothing changed, I was going to die alone. That led me to think that perhaps it was best not to wait for that moment to arrive.
Well into my thirties, I cursed my alarm clock every morning when it rang. Not because I had to wake up and go to work, but because it reminded me that the best years of my life, when I had virtually no responsibilities, were long gone.
I knew that many people didn’t see it the same way, but I was nostalgic, I lived stuck in my adolescence, when I went out with friends who were no longer in my life and I could see the only love I had ever had at school every day. At that time I only had to study, and it didn’t matter if I didn’t. As an adult, if you don’t work you can’t earn money to support yourself.
The only good thing I had left was Samu, my little brother. He wasn’t exactly the most affectionate or nice person in the world, and everything was going great for him, but I could still count on him whenever I needed him. He made me angry with how hard he was on me, even though I knew he was saying all those things for my own good.
– You have to leave the house from time to time.
– And where do you want me to go?
– Well, let’s have a drink, like everyone else.
– I don’t have any friends left in town, the last one moved last year.
– Go see them, that’s what you have the car for.
– I haven’t heard from any of them for a long time.
– Of course, you never call them. You do the same with me.
– We see each other every Sunday at Mom and Dad’s house. Well, almost every Sunday.
– Of course, because I have a social life.
– In which I am not included.
– Don’t fuck with me, Sabino, I’ve told you a lot of times about going out together.
– Yes, but I don’t want to be a burden on you.
– If you are good for me, I will stand out even more by your side.
– Very funny.
– Seriously, let’s go out one night and hook up with someone.
– That would be a real miracle.
It was hard to admit, but my life consisted solely of working Monday through Friday at a local hardware store for a shitty salary, doing the shopping on Saturday mornings, and going to my parents’ house for lunch on Sundays. The rest of my free time was spent locked away in the apartment I had rented a couple of years ago.
Although, to be honest, I wouldn’t have been able to make big plans even if I had tried, since I barely had any money left at the end of the month. But of all the shortcomings I had, what really kept me from sleeping was the lack of love in my life. It worried me to always be alone and, above all, to know that this was never going to change.
I hadn’t had anything resembling a girlfriend since I was sixteen, when I fell madly in love with Celia and she, I was supposed to, with me too. A single date and a kiss on the lips was all I got from that relationship, then she decided she was too young and preferred to focus on her studies without anything to distract her.
We kept in touch for a few years and sometimes it seemed like there was a chance of resuming that youthful relationship, but Celia always backed out for one reason or another. In the end she disappeared from my life and got together with another guy, one who was taller, more handsome and had a much more promising future than mine.
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think about her every single day for the next ten years. Sometimes with sadness, other times with anger for not being able to forget her, but always feeling that I would give anything to be by her side again. Only Samu knew that I was still stuck in the past and that I couldn’t get Celia out of my head.
– It’s not love, it’s that you haven’t met anyone else.
– What do you know?
– You keep thinking about her because she’s the only one who paid attention to you.
– There are people who truly fall in love and it is forever.
– You haven’t seen her for like ten years.
– And?
– Well, right now it could look anything.
– That does not matter to me.
– Would you still want to be with her if you found out she weighed a hundred kilos?
– Of course, as if I were in any condition to be picky.
– Maybe he’s already married by now.
– It can be solved with a simple signature.
– It won’t be so easy if she’s a mother.
– I haven’t even considered that possibility.
– Sabino, accept that it is best to forget her once and for all.
– How easy it is to say it for someone who has never loved anyone.
– Then call her or get in touch with her somehow.
– I can not do this.
– Because?
– It would be weird after all this time.
– Yes, but it’s better than torturing yourself any further with an impossibility.
I thought about it more than a spinning top could shake a stick at, but finally decided to send him a message. Although I had deleted his phone number a long time ago to avoid temptation, luckily or unfortunately I knew it by heart. It took him a whole day to reply, starting a series of conversations that led me to something totally unexpected.
To sum up her situation, I will say that she had just separated a few days ago and that she was psychologically devastated by how long it had taken her to realise that she had been living with a psychological abuser for years. All of this led her to find herself in a very similar situation to mine, to begin to idealise the past as I had been doing for years.
It hurt to see her in such bad shape, but it was like winning the lottery, as Celia clung to me. Before long we were talking about being together, she said it was what I needed, although she still wasn’t willing to make things easy for me. After months of ups and downs, she finally agreed to have our first date.
It was much better than I expected, even though my nerves and shyness played tricks on me. I was able to hug her and hold her hand, and we formally resumed our relationship after almost twenty years, which was exactly what I had wanted all this time, but it was not going to be anything idyllic, at least for most of the time.
Nothing good or romantic I could give her could make Celia get over her past. Sometimes she was on a high and seemed to adore me, but other times she saw everything as dark and made a lot of objections to the relationship, even being cruel to me. I didn’t even consider leaving her, much less when we finally made love.
It’s sad to admit that it took me thirty-something years to lose my virginity, but it was worth it because I was able to start with her. It was a dream weekend that was ruined a few days later when her doubts returned. Each time she gave me a different excuse for why she thought the relationship should end, each one more humiliating for me than the last.
I endured a whole year of comings and goings, of putting up with him leaving me and coming back after a few days because he needed me. I already knew that this relationship was going nowhere, but I endured it, for love and because I was clear that the alternative was to stay alone forever. Even so, it was Celia who ended up taking the definitive step.
– I think that the fair thing to do is to end the relationship now.
– But we love each other.
– I’ve told you many times that that’s not enough.
– I don’t know what can have more weight than love.
– There is something I cannot accept.
– Like what?
– Your lack of ambition, you settle for a shitty job.
– I earn enough, with both our salaries we won’t have any problems.
– You don’t have any friends, you’re always at home.
– Well, all the better, I have more time for you.
– I don’t think my parents will accept you, Sabino.
– Well, they put up with an abuser.
– Yeah, but at least he was handsome.
– Damn, Celia…
– I know how my words sound, but I can’t help but think like this.
– Then there is nothing more to talk about.
– We can still be friends.
– No thanks, I’d rather keep your poison away.
I didn’t know how to feel. I had gotten rid of something that was hurting me, although it wasn’t easy to put an end to the past that I had idealized for so long. It was true that Celia didn’t turn out to be what I thought, perhaps because of the traumas she carried or she was just that way, but with her was the last of my happiest and most innocent time.
I had a few weeks when I felt pretty good, free from suffering and from so many attacks that made me feel so bad, but that didn’t last long. I started to miss her, to think that it was possible that she would change at some point. I doubted whether those were really my thoughts or if the fear of loneliness was speaking for me again.
Almost everything that had happened between us embarrassed me so much that I didn’t dare share it with anyone, not even my brother. That was probably what distressed me the most, because I couldn’t get it off my chest. I finally decided to share it with him, even if I had to leave out some of the worst episodes, mostly because I didn’t want Samu to speak badly of her.
– Think that you finally got it, now it’s time to go for the next one.
– Yes of course…
– You’ve already seen that it’s not impossible to find a girlfriend.
– Because in this case there were special circumstances.
– Yeah, the past and all that.
– It’s impossible for me to find someone like Celia.
– Well, lower the bar, brother, it’s true that you were very lucky with her.
– Are you going to call me ugly too?
– Did he tell you that?
– Well, not with those words.
– All the more reason for you to turn the page and look for another.
– Impossible.
– Calm down, I’ll help you.
– Samu, don’t even think about doing something stupid, we know each other.
It was no use warning her. Just a couple of weeks later my brother showed up at my house with a friend of his who said she wanted to meet me. From the beginning everything seemed very strange to me, but the girl seemed so pretty that I at least gave myself the opportunity to meet her to see if I could discover her intentions.
It didn’t take long for me to realise that it was all a trick by Samu, as after half an hour she said she had to go and left me alone at home with her. Lorena, as she was called, must have been two or three years younger than me, although she was much better preserved, which wasn’t difficult at all. I tried to get on her good side, but trying not to seem too desperate.
I tried to drown my thoughts in alcohol, those that kept telling me that it was Celia I wanted to be with. Lorena drank one drink after another, until she started to become more affectionate than usual. I had known her for a little over an hour and she was already eating my mouth desperately. Although my feelings were contradictory, I couldn’t let an opportunity like this pass me by.
I wanted to get my hands on her to get into the swing of things, but she was too fast. Every step I tried to take Lorena was ahead of me, so within minutes she had a hand on my package and was pulling down my zipper to free my cock. She started pumping and I got hard instantly. I felt as guilty as I was excited.
As she continued to kiss me and jerk me off, Lorena reached into her purse and pulled out a condom. She expertly put it on me, then pulled her dress up to her waist and removed her thong. Just as my eyes fell on her shaved slit, she put her hands on her face and said she couldn’t continue.
– What’s happening?
– I’m sorry, but I can’t do this.
– It’s okay, we just met.
– I like you, I thought I would be capable, but no.
– Is it because of the alcohol?
– No offense, Sabino, but you don’t give me anything at all.
– So why did you start?
– Well… I… I don’t know, I thought that…
– It doesn’t matter, I’m used to being rejected.
At that moment I didn’t understand anything at all. I hadn’t given Lorena the opportunity to kiss me or for what happened afterwards, she did everything on her own initiative, so I didn’t understand why she acted that way. It was a pain when she told me she couldn’t continue because I didn’t turn her on, but it didn’t affect me that much either, I’d received worse blows.
That only served to confirm to me that I was going to die alone, that no one would ever want to be with me. It was true that Lorena was also way beyond my capabilities, that part of the blame was mine for not lowering the bar, or at least that’s what I told myself to console myself, oblivious to the huge disappointment I was about to experience.
One of those days when I was leaving the hardware store late because I had to take inventory, I passed by a place where the prostitutes used to hang out as soon as it got dark. I never looked at their faces, I was embarrassed, but this time I saw one of them in the distance getting out of a car and it caught my attention. It was Lorena.
– Are you a whore?
– This is not a good place to talk about this, Sabino.
– I do not understand anything.
– Well, I think it’s pretty simple.
– You sleep with anyone for money, but you couldn’t with me, why?
– Keep walking, please.
– I’m sure if I had paid you, you wouldn’t think it was so bad anymore.
– You have no idea what you’re talking about.
– Come on, tell me how much you earn.
– What your brother paid me and I still wasn’t able to fuck you.
Perhaps another person would not have given much importance to a conflict of this kind with a prostitute, but for me it was the straw that broke the camel’s back. That a woman who is capable of screwing any man who stops her on the street in exchange for money was not capable of doing it with me because she found me too ugly was more humiliating than I can describe.
Everything reinforced my theory that I was going to die alone… and I was beginning to want it to happen sooner than ever. I didn’t feel like doing anything, I didn’t want to see anyone or talk, and even less with my brother. Luckily, in a few days my month of vacation would begin and I could lock myself in the house, spend all day in bed lamenting my miserable existence.
Even the past no longer consoled me, because everything I had experienced with Celia seemed like a big lie. I looked back and saw nothing, but what lay ahead was even more devastating. Why didn’t anyone love me? Why was it so difficult to find love? I could only come up with disturbing ideas to end my suffering.
I barely slept or ate, until anxiety got the better of me and I would binge on the most unhealthy food possible. I was starting to neglect my hygiene, had stopped shaving and only showered when I had no choice but to go out to do the shopping or I was craving something that I thought would numb my pain.
Going out into the street was synonymous with suffering. Seeing happy couples hurt me; I couldn’t understand how those men had achieved stability in their relationships. I could understand that the handsome ones had achieved it because of their physical appearance, but there were others that I didn’t consider more attractive than me, which made me think that my problem went deeper.
In my head it was all noise, questions without answers. I could barely concentrate on anything, I would go to the supermarket and leave half of the things behind because I would get distracted by anything that caught my attention. People would approach me for any reason and I wouldn’t even listen to them, I was too immersed in my catastrophic thoughts.
– It’s twenty-five and fifty.
– That?
– The purchase price.
– Yes Yes of course.
– You’ve grown a beard.
– Yeah, well… I haven’t shaved in a while.
– Well, it suits you very well.
– Th-thanks.
Was that a compliment? I thought so, but they were probably forced to be nice to customers or they just couldn’t help but tell me that anything that covered my face looked good on me. In any case, it was the most pleasant thing that had happened to me in weeks. I decided I would go back the next day.
I knew the girl by sight, because she had been working at the supermarket since I moved to that neighborhood. Even so, she was quite young, she couldn’t have been more than twenty-five years old, which completely ruled out the possibility that she could have seen anything good in a forty-something like I was at that time. Although it was not only impossible because of her age, but also because she was pretty and because I was repulsed by any woman in general.
The next day she didn’t pay me any compliments, but she smiled at me like no girl had ever smiled before. I still thought she did it because her job required it, even though I had been in many supermarkets and shops of all kinds and had never been treated like that. A sinister thought was beginning to take hold of my mind.
– Samuel, what the hell have you done?
– You finally deign to talk to me.
– Don’t think I’ve forgiven you for the whore thing.
– Damn, Sabino, I just wanted to cheer you up.
– Is that why you paid the cashier?
– I don’t know what you’re talking about.
– The girl at the supermarket, it was also your thing.
– Has he made advances on you?
– No, but he is very nice to me.
– I say it will be with everyone.
– You really have nothing to do with this?
– I swear I do not.
– Then I must have definitely gone mad.
– She’s a nice woman, don’t give it another thought.
– She is in her twenties and she is very beautiful.
– You know I always encourage you, but I don’t think a girl that young is looking for something.
– I don’t believe it either, but I see something in her, she didn’t smile at me like that before.
– Well, talk to him, I’m sure you haven’t dared to say anything to him yet.
– The last thing I want is another blow.
– It’s your decision, I don’t want to hurt you anymore.
I started going to the supermarket every morning and always did my best to get her to serve me, even though there was twice as long a line at her checkout as at any other. The young woman continued to treat me with the same kindness, feeding my paranoia, but I didn’t dare go beyond saying hello or thanking her when I left.
Seeing that girl brought some excitement to my life, but it also made me feel even sadder, because I knew I could never be with someone like that. Maybe when I was her age I could have tried, even though I knew I would fail, but I was too old for her. I could only think about that when I was in front of her, which sometimes made me hear her voice as a distant echo as she spoke to me.
– Do you hear me?
– That?
– I say that I know a very good recipe for chicken wings.
– I throw them in the frying pan and let God’s will happen.
– It’s another option, but I’m sure they won’t be as tasty.
– They usually burn on me.
– I could teach you how to cook them.
– Sure, give me the recipe.
– I would prefer if you invited me to your house so you could see how I make them.
– Whenever you want.
– Is tonight okay with you?
– Yes, I have nothing to do.
– Then pick me up at nine.
– I’ll be here. I’m Sabino, by the way.
– Me Michelle.
– I know, it says so on the plaque.
I still didn’t think it was normal what was happening, but I couldn’t turn her away. I spent that entire afternoon cleaning the house, practically disinfecting it, and I did the same with myself, although I didn’t shave, since she was supposed to like my beard. I did it all without thinking too much, because if I did, fear would have caused me to back off.
I kept telling myself not to get my hopes up, that it was all probably a misunderstanding, and at the same time I was preparing myself for any disappointment that might come my way. Twenty minutes before nine I was already waiting for her at the supermarket door. When she came out, dressed in her normal clothes, I thought she was even more beautiful.
It only took us five minutes to get to my house, but it was enough to realize how much fun she was. I couldn’t believe that a girl like that was pulling my leg, that she had hidden agendas, but I didn’t let my guard down. Once upstairs, Michelle came into the kitchen and showed me her way of making chicken wings.
Honestly, I didn’t think he did anything special, which led me to think that it had all been an excuse to come to my house and have dinner together afterwards. If he was hoping to seduce a man with money, he should have realized by now when he saw my apartment that he wasn’t going to find that in me. It was time to try to figure out his intentions.
– Do you usually show your recipe to many customers?
– Only those who inspire confidence in me, that’s why you’re the first.
– Oh really?
– Yes, I’ve been quite upset for a while now, they’ve hurt me quite a bit.
– I’m sorry.
– Correct me if I’m wrong, but I’ve seen the same pain in your eyes.
– No, you are not wrong.
– I’m already tired of so much suffering.
– It’s normal for this to happen to me, but I don’t understand what you’re doing.
– What are you talking about?
– You’re so pretty, who would want to break your heart?
– Well, a bastard, that’s for sure.
– It seems that we have not made a good choice.
– It’s obvious that you’re a good person, Sabino.
We talked late that night, and the next day and every day after that. We were offering each other comfort, that was the idea, but I couldn’t help but fall for her. I felt guilty because that wasn’t what we were supposed to be there for, or at least that was what I understood.
Every night when I walked her home, I was tempted to kiss her goodbye, but I didn’t dare and I didn’t want to ruin what was between us, even if it was just a beautiful friendship. I had finally found someone who understood me, who saw beyond my physical appearance and made me laugh as much as I made her.
We talked about everything except feelings, which left me unclear whether there was even a small chance that she had special feelings for me too. She sat closer and closer on the couch, placing a hand on my arm or leg as we talked. Michelle explained her day to me while I focused on the small curve of her nose, perhaps the only flaw she had.
– In summer there are fewer people, but the day still seems eternal.
– I’m going back to work soon, but you’re almost on vacation.
– Good thing, because I’m hardly sleeping at all these days.
– It’s my fault that I’m keeping you here until all night.
– You know I’m staying because I want to.
– I also feel very comfortable talking to you, you are my savior.
– Why do you say that?
– I don’t know what I would have done if you hadn’t appeared in my path.
– Were you that bad?
– Assuming that I will never find love is not a pleasant experience.
– Are you blind or what?
– What is the point of that question?
– You’re standing in front of me, what do you mean you’ll never find love?
– You mean you and I…?
– It took you a while, huh?
Just like the prostitute, but in a much sweeter and more delicate way, Michelle launched herself at my lips and kissed me. Maybe for more than half my life I had been convinced that Celia was the only one in my heart, but that girl’s kiss left me with much stronger sensations, it made me vibrate from head to toe.
That night there was no more conversation, we continued kissing for hours, caressing each other, gradually losing our fear of loving and being loved. Michelle yelled at her shirt and I imitated her, giving way to much more ardent caresses. Her breasts were of medium size, but even with her bra on they were very pleasing to the eye.
As soon as she gave me permission, I dared to kiss her cleavage. Michelle took the opportunity to place her hand on my crotch, feeling my hard cock. When I sat up looking for her lips again, she lowered my zipper and took it out. At that moment, what happened with Lorena came to my mind and I was completely blocked.
– What’s the matter?
– You don’t have to do this.
– I don’t understand you, Sabino.
– You may like me, but I’m physically disgusting.
– That is not true.
– That’s what all women think of me.
– I swear I don’t.
– I’m ugly, you can’t deny that.
– They won’t call you Mr. Universe, but I like you.
– Because?
– Because you are good, funny, affectionate… that is harder to find than a handsome guy.
Nothing was going to take away my fears, but this time I was the one who rushed to kiss her. Our tongues met again and Michelle went back to what she was doing between my legs. After holding my cock in her hands, she began to masturbate me very slowly. It seemed incredible to me that a handjob could be done with so much feeling.
The touch of her small, warm hand made me gasp as we continued to kiss. It was like being in paradise, in a place that seemed forbidden to me, but I knew I would last less than I would have liked. Michelle kept waving her hand and I had to warn her that I was about to finish.
He didn’t mind too much. He just turned onto his side and pushed his tongue further into my mouth while he continued to finger me until I came. There was silence as the cum splashed over both of us, but then we started laughing. While the fact that I was masturbating was special, it was that laughter that made all the difference, that made me finally feel like I was in the right place.
– Thank you, Michelle.
– To you, for making me happy again.
– It’s gotten a little late again.
– Yes, but now it’s your turn to show your skills.
To be continue…
